there is this wind......

there is this wind,
a change of wind,
between the blues,
the "other" blue, rocket and the moon

the blues was annoying,
with adverts that kept me swearing,
by stating what was obviously showing,
then went and expect a 2third winning

the other blue shocked the news,
the daughter ,the mother shut all their views,
i hope they keep their seats and crews,
and please leave daddy with his blues

the moon the rocket were not grouping,
but somehow now its the "pearl" they're owning,
the blues can only look with frowning
oh please dear sir, please get up from sleeping!!!!!!

there is a wind, a wake up call,
for this is what is called a fall,
although uve won, its still a crawl,
from what they have grab them all

there is this wind sir,
i hope its a stir,
i hope your awake from this slumber,
im on ure side, its a just a wonder,
just something for all of us to ponder..

about this wind.....there is this wind...

nothing.....

nothing like a good week's rest,
each day each hour i rest at best,
i tell my brain to stop those tests,
as i scream at myself " i need to rest!!!!!!!!"

nothing like a good week's sleep,
each day each hour i do not weep,
i tell my brain to not think deep,
of whatever that dares to come and leap...

nothing like a good week's off,
each day each hour i shut it off,
i tell my brain to just f***k off,
i really really need some sorta timeOff...

nothing like a good week of nothing,
each day each hour i still keep wondering,
but i tell my brain oh its just nothing,
though most times everything can mean nothing.........

curry

2Months of marriage, miscarriage and all in between...

3rd March 2008

its only been 2 months and it feels like a roller coaster to me. Life, sharing lives, love and growing old together.

as any two months in a relationship/marriage/living together, everything is crisplyNew, virginLike new.. rafek and i constantly joke on how before ething use to be so proper and sweet, you knw during the dating times...compared to now without the makeup, or the pants..hahaha...tho its only been two months, we both have gone thru the farting and burping stage (hwever i still announce it first before actually executing it...his is "silent yet deadly"attack....hahahaha)

these two months also was such a roller coaster, i found out i was pregnant early february.
that came as a shock for both of us. happy shock, of course..

in my condition, getting pregnant was the last thing on my mind
(my top list was of course, making lotsa money and quit my job..hahaha)

the doc predicted i was about 5 weeks pregnant (bunting pelamin as alot would say) and i was due end of september. We even joked of hoping the baby will come out on rafek's burfday (ok not hoping, more of like he wants to slow talk to the baby to come out on his burfday)...hahaha

so as a buzy mother-to-be, i bought all reading materials i could find to better educate myself on this becoming a mother phase. i even started my journal entitled "38 weeks or so", just to write down each and every moment that i will go thru.
psst, i've even had baby names all lined up. (nope not gonna tell..haha). i hope its normal for anyOne in my shoes, right?

7 weeks into my pregnancy, i went for my scanning, and the worst happend.
Like all 1 in every 5 women in Malaysia will face, probable miscarriage. my fetus did not show proper growing signs of a 7 week fetus. as the doc push in this scanning gadget, i could see the pouch (kantong) forming, but nothing inside.

i can never forget her words "the fetus is not showing any signs of growing, im suspecting it has stopped"

i didnt actually understand her words, i was just numb. as that scanning thing was still in my vagina, it took me about a minute to consume the fact that she is telling me the fetus is dead. my tears started to roll even as i was trying to leave the room, without my pants on.
thank god she stopped me before i ran out of the room.

she didnt want to do anything yet at that point, as she was hoping that it was all miscalculation. and so i had a week of hope. a week of miracle to happend. for 168 hours, i hoped. i prayed for a miracle.
i prayed that if this was meant to be a gift from Allah, that i will accept as it is, and that the docs will see the fetus growing,
as well as if it is fated that this is not the right time, with redha in my heart, insyallah i accept it as it was never meant to be..

and on my third scanning, this final scanning made it obvious that there were no growing activity, the doc confirmed that this was a miscarriage. i cried in numbness, in the arms of rafek by my side. whole heartedLy accepted the fate that this was not meant to be. i was scheduled for dnc the following day.

i couldnt sleep that nite, wasnt sure whether it was the fear of the procedure, or i hvnt actually came to terms that im about to lose my fetus. either way, the numbness just sanked deeper and deeper. the fear was real.

alhamdulilah today is the third day after the procedure, am doing fine and resting in buloh. my main aim now is to gain back my energy and prepare myself for wht ever rollerCoaster that heads our way. insyallah.

there's a lot to learn, blessings in disguise im sure. for all that has happend, Allah sure has things rolled up his sleeve for rafek and i.
amin.